4am

So I am sitting here writing a blog on my mom's computer at 4am on a Sunday night/Monday morning depending on the type on who you are.
I have dropped out of school for the semester, my hours have been cut back at both of my jobs due to the effect that the after math of the holidays has on people is to tighten their purse strings, so my life has been consumed by video games, TV (we got Netflix for Christmas), reading (I got a Kobo reader for Christmas too), and sleeping. Not a bad existence you would think right? Wrong. As I painfully became to fully aware of my own self loathing and pity party Saturday night while proof reading something for a close friend. I added in a little of my own life experience that sums up pretty much how I feel right now. I wrote "Lucy once told me that being perfect on the outside means there are deeply rooted cracks on the inside and if it becomes too much out side pressure the person can ultimately break and lose themselves. She told me this is how she is now. She tried so hard to be perfect on the surface that the cracks below ultimately made her fracture and now she has to find a way to piece herself back together." And that is how I truly feel. I know some people could write off me feeling this way as stupid or having to do with it being the middle of winter, but suffering from depression and trying to find reasons to continue to function and live a "normal" life is hard. Sometimes I just want to walk out into the middle of traffic, but then remember how many people I would be letting down, but I think of how much easier for me it would be to just be selfish that one time and not have to worry about other people. But I guess the fact that I still care and worry about other people shows that I'm not a completely lost hope. And if the world didn't have hope, there would never be a need for innovation and we could all still be living in the proverbial stone age.